As you can likely tell from the preceeding title, I have had an eventful few weeks. Almost four weeks ago to the day, I joined the slowly growing group of people who have been laid off. My emotions have ranged from sheer excitement of getting to grocery shop during the daylight hours to an almost unbearable sinking feeling of puposelessness. Granted, I was not in my dream job. I really was not even working in an industry I enjoyed. But I was working, and that is key. Regardless of whether or not I liked my previous job, I was finding my validation in the "real world" by spouting off my fancy title at a fancy firm. By all the worlds standards, I was climbing the ladder of success and following the path that all young professionals have taken. But all that changed in a span of 20 minutes. One minute I was sorting mail outs and I kid you not, 30 minutes later I was standing at an elevator with all my personal belongings from my desk. I cannot tell you what it feels like to wake up every day at 7:00 a.m., cook breakfast, pack Nathan's lunch and get him out the door, have a quiet time, work out, shower, clean the apartment and run some errands....and be completely done with everything on my to do list by 11:00 a.m. I cannot express to you the feelings of worthlessness, the lack of purpose and the sheer boredom I have felt in the last month.
But there is one thing I can tell you. God is good. There is simply no other truth that I have clung to these past few weeks. I can rest in the fact that I serve a soveriegn God who holds my life and my breath in His hands. Before the foundations of the earth were laid, He chose me, He called me, and He rescued me.
I caved a few weeks ago and rebought a CD that I lost in the move from College Station to Virginia to Tyler to Dallas. I really only bought it for one song. This song has become the theme of my days over the last few weeks. Every second of every day is a challenge to believe the truths that Christ has proclaimed to me - that I am a called child of His, I am loved, I am cherished, I am redeemed and I am valued. When every other second I want to believe the lies of the world - that I am a failure, that I am worthless and that I bring no value to the world. But the words of this song strike straight to my soul. They bring my to my knees almost every time I hear them. I nearly weep every time I hear these truths.
"Psalm 73" sung by Indelible Grace
Surely God is good
To all the pure in heart
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped
I nearly lost my grip
For I envied, the arrogant
They are free, from my burdens
Surely I, in vain,
Have kept my, my heart pure
And surely they are strong and free from trials
While I am so confused
Then I entered Your holy place
Then I saw their destiny
Surely, they’re cast down
As those on slippery ground
As dreams fade when we wake, so they become
Completely swept away
In my heart I was arrogant
Like a beast before You
Yet always You are near
You guide me by Your Word
And always, my Lord God, You are my strength
My portion You will be
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
I have become arrogant. I began to believe in the allure of power and money. And it was all gone in the 2 seconds it took me to sign some paperwork. And then I became bitter. Bitter at those who got to keep their jobs. Bitter at those who were suceeding in these hard economic times. I had worked hard to get where I was. I spent countless hours working on projects to impress by bosses. I spent hours trying to get their approval and their validation.
And then I entered the holy place of the Lord and I saw that it did not matter. Not then, not now, not ever.
You are my refuge, my sovereign Lord and I will sing of your awesome deeds.
