As I sit here on the couch, my heart is overflowing with the realization of how blessed I am. I am first and foremost blessed to be called a child of God - to know that I was called out and claimed before the foundations of the earth were laid is more than I can comprehend. I am ridiculously blessed to call Nathan my husband. I am sitting here watching him play the guitar and I cannot imagine a better way to spend a Sunday night. I am blessed to have an hour with my mom today to share a cup of coffee in the middle of summer chaos. I am blessed to have a family that loves me regardless of what I do, where I live or how grumpy I am. I have six amazing siblings who have shaped and formed my view of the world for the last 23 years, whether or not they know it. I am blessed to have friends who I can be real and honest with - friends who have seen me at my highest and seen me at my lowest and yet still choose to love me. I am blessed to be a part of a church community that even though we have only been going a few weeks they already recognize us and know our names. I am blessed to have a job where I am challenged on a daily basis and where I receive a pay check every two weeks when so many people are struggling to make ends meet right now.
It's good to take a step back and realize the ways that the Lord has blessed each and every one of us. The world is a scary place, especially right now. Sometimes I struggle to find the good in a long work day, I take my eyes off the goal and sulk around in the sludge of life. I read the news and think that nothing good can come of the war in Iraq, the nuclear talks with Iran, and the faltering (if not failing) economy in the United States. I look around me and I see a hurting and dying world that is crying out for more - even if they don't know it. I see young girls crying out for the attention of their fathers only to find blank faces staring at a small Black Berry screen. I see young boys trying to prove their self worth in the world, only to be met with the judgment that they are not good enough til they have made their first million.
I look at all these things and it is so easy to get caught in the muck of it all. So it's good to take a step back and realize the things that I am blessed to partake in, even if I can't see the blessing of it at times.
At the end of the day, I come back to the praise that the psalmist sings to the Lord, "Because Your lovingkindness is BETTER THAN LIFE, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3. Because Your love is better than life. Not because I have a good job, or good friends, or the right clothes, or the right pants size. No, because Your love is better than the last breath I took, because Your love is better than anything I can experience this side of Heaven, my lips will praise You.
Now that is being blessed, my friends.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Learning to Live
So it's been a while. There's been so much going on in my head that my verbal processing has been slower than normal. Anyways, on we go. (1) Married life is fantastic! We highly recommend it to all our friends. :) (2) We are now officially house sitting for the next 5 weeks. If you are in Dallas and want to play Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Wii, grill out on an awesome patio or swing around in a library on a ladder, then come our way! (3) Nathan is still loving his job. I, on the other hand, had a small change in my job description and am learning to cope with new responsibilities and expectations. More on that to come.
On to bigger and better things. These last 7 weeks of being married has taught me loads of things about my life. Getting married tends to teach you things you didn't know about yourself. Anyways, as Nathan and I have spent the last 7 weeks together learning to live life together, love each other and just learn to live with another person, I wanted to stop and soak up every minute of it so that I could fully live life. That's when the problems started. I started to realize that I didn't know how to fully live my life anymore. I began to realize that over the last 2 years I have tended to check out when things get tough and shut down instead of dealing with problems. I thought this was my way of solving my problems.
Some of you may remember that my senior year of college was a giant learning year for me. I was deeply hurt by some friends and it felt like my life was crashing down around me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Which I did on numerous occasions. But I never healed. I never got better. Instead I checked into survival mode. I had classes to pass, rent to pay and career decisions to make. So I just kept on going at life. I finished up in May at A&M and moved directly to Washington DC to work for Senator John Cornyn. It was the job catch of a lifetime and I threw myself into my work. But it was hard. I had no friends in DC, my job was boring at times and I desperately missed my family, friends and Nathan. So my survival mode of life continued. I moved back to Texas in November and got engaged in December, so my life was absolutely insane. As I planned a wedding and started a new job, the survival mode continued. Then we got married and I finally had a chance to stop. For the first time in over a year, I have gotten to just stop. There is nothing looming on the horizon, no big decisions to make. And that's when it clicked. It was when I tried to start living and enjoying life to the fullest and I realized I had been in survival mode for so long that I didn't know how to live life like that. It was a long tearful conversation with Nathan as we were driving home that lead me/us to that conclusion.
So that is what I am working on right now - living life to the fullest. At the end of the day, I want to know that I have played my hardest, worked my hardest, talked my hardest, loved my hardest and lived my hardest. I want to know that I have done everything possible to love the people and situations that have crossed my path during the day. I want to collapse into bed at night absolutely certain that I took advantage of everything in the day. I tell you, it's a journey. It hasn't been easy and it won't start getting easier for a while. I am having to take a good hard look in the mirror at the person I was two years ago. I am having to face some lies that were told to me that hurt me to my core. I am having to squarely look at what Christ has said I am, not what the world has said I am. It's going to be a long journey my friends, but I am so excited about what the end results will bring!
On to bigger and better things. These last 7 weeks of being married has taught me loads of things about my life. Getting married tends to teach you things you didn't know about yourself. Anyways, as Nathan and I have spent the last 7 weeks together learning to live life together, love each other and just learn to live with another person, I wanted to stop and soak up every minute of it so that I could fully live life. That's when the problems started. I started to realize that I didn't know how to fully live my life anymore. I began to realize that over the last 2 years I have tended to check out when things get tough and shut down instead of dealing with problems. I thought this was my way of solving my problems.
Some of you may remember that my senior year of college was a giant learning year for me. I was deeply hurt by some friends and it felt like my life was crashing down around me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Which I did on numerous occasions. But I never healed. I never got better. Instead I checked into survival mode. I had classes to pass, rent to pay and career decisions to make. So I just kept on going at life. I finished up in May at A&M and moved directly to Washington DC to work for Senator John Cornyn. It was the job catch of a lifetime and I threw myself into my work. But it was hard. I had no friends in DC, my job was boring at times and I desperately missed my family, friends and Nathan. So my survival mode of life continued. I moved back to Texas in November and got engaged in December, so my life was absolutely insane. As I planned a wedding and started a new job, the survival mode continued. Then we got married and I finally had a chance to stop. For the first time in over a year, I have gotten to just stop. There is nothing looming on the horizon, no big decisions to make. And that's when it clicked. It was when I tried to start living and enjoying life to the fullest and I realized I had been in survival mode for so long that I didn't know how to live life like that. It was a long tearful conversation with Nathan as we were driving home that lead me/us to that conclusion.
So that is what I am working on right now - living life to the fullest. At the end of the day, I want to know that I have played my hardest, worked my hardest, talked my hardest, loved my hardest and lived my hardest. I want to know that I have done everything possible to love the people and situations that have crossed my path during the day. I want to collapse into bed at night absolutely certain that I took advantage of everything in the day. I tell you, it's a journey. It hasn't been easy and it won't start getting easier for a while. I am having to take a good hard look in the mirror at the person I was two years ago. I am having to face some lies that were told to me that hurt me to my core. I am having to squarely look at what Christ has said I am, not what the world has said I am. It's going to be a long journey my friends, but I am so excited about what the end results will bring!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Dallas
Something extraordinary just happened and I didn't see it coming. I have been fighting the urge to think this for about 3.5 months and then, just like that, the thought went through my head with a genuine belief. I like Dallas. I like living in Dallas. Whoa, I didn't see that one coming.
I moved back to Dallas from Washington DC around Thanksgiving for two main reasons: (1) I didn't like living so far away from my family and felt that I was missing out on my siblings growing up and (2) Nathan was looking for a job in Dallas. Those two reasons alone compelled me to leave my job in DC and move back. Moving to DC was a fulfillment of a dream that I had for 4 years. All I wanted was to move to DC, work for the military or intelligence services and have my life be ruled by a Blackberry, tight deadlines, late work nights, midnight calls to come back to work and a relentless life pace that can only be upheld by someone in their twenties. It was all I wanted, it was my dream.
I actually went back to DC this weekend to visit friends and tour the White House. It was pretty incredible to be that close to the building that has housed so many Presidents and their families, where the decision to start wars has been made, where Prime Ministers and President's have met and where the men and women that have defined the history of the country have walked.
What I expected to feel this weekend was an intense longing to go back to DC. I expected to walk away regretting the decision that I had made to move back to Dallas and away from a dream I had wanted to live for so many years. But, those feelings never came. Instead, I came back to Dallas and realized how much I love this city. I am starting a new and fantastic (albeit scary) life here in this city, specifically, in 58 days. Sometimes I let all the scariness of this new stage of life terrify me. Sometimes I lay in bed at night so afraid that I am giving up my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want, my dream to bike across Europe with only a backpack holding my belongings, my hope of one day working at a church and loving in high school girls, and my (almost) secret desire to have a job where I get to carry a gun (weird, I know).
But then I come back to the fact that I would rather live my life with this man than do anything else. I know that there will be hard days. I know that some days I will have to make a conscious decision to love, and it won't be easy. I know the storms will continue to come and that life will get harder. But I would rather do this thing called life with him, whatever city we are in, whatever job I hold, than be anywhere else.
This doesn't mean I have failed and bailed at the dream I held through all of college. I went and I lived it for 6 great months. And honestly, I probably would regret never moving out there and at least trying it. But I have a new dream now. It's not a dream for my life and my career, it's a dream for our life. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I moved back to Dallas from Washington DC around Thanksgiving for two main reasons: (1) I didn't like living so far away from my family and felt that I was missing out on my siblings growing up and (2) Nathan was looking for a job in Dallas. Those two reasons alone compelled me to leave my job in DC and move back. Moving to DC was a fulfillment of a dream that I had for 4 years. All I wanted was to move to DC, work for the military or intelligence services and have my life be ruled by a Blackberry, tight deadlines, late work nights, midnight calls to come back to work and a relentless life pace that can only be upheld by someone in their twenties. It was all I wanted, it was my dream.
I actually went back to DC this weekend to visit friends and tour the White House. It was pretty incredible to be that close to the building that has housed so many Presidents and their families, where the decision to start wars has been made, where Prime Ministers and President's have met and where the men and women that have defined the history of the country have walked.
What I expected to feel this weekend was an intense longing to go back to DC. I expected to walk away regretting the decision that I had made to move back to Dallas and away from a dream I had wanted to live for so many years. But, those feelings never came. Instead, I came back to Dallas and realized how much I love this city. I am starting a new and fantastic (albeit scary) life here in this city, specifically, in 58 days. Sometimes I let all the scariness of this new stage of life terrify me. Sometimes I lay in bed at night so afraid that I am giving up my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want, my dream to bike across Europe with only a backpack holding my belongings, my hope of one day working at a church and loving in high school girls, and my (almost) secret desire to have a job where I get to carry a gun (weird, I know).
But then I come back to the fact that I would rather live my life with this man than do anything else. I know that there will be hard days. I know that some days I will have to make a conscious decision to love, and it won't be easy. I know the storms will continue to come and that life will get harder. But I would rather do this thing called life with him, whatever city we are in, whatever job I hold, than be anywhere else.
This doesn't mean I have failed and bailed at the dream I held through all of college. I went and I lived it for 6 great months. And honestly, I probably would regret never moving out there and at least trying it. But I have a new dream now. It's not a dream for my life and my career, it's a dream for our life. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.
Monday, March 3, 2008
in the blink of an eye.....
i got a message at 9:40 this morning asking for prayer for a girl from high school who had been in a car wreck in tyler. i stopped what i was doing, begged the Lord to heal her body, to give the doctors wisdom in treating her, and to give her the strength to fight and then i went on with my day, confident that the Lord would do exactly as I asked. then at 4:24 i got another message simply stating that she was with the Lord. just like that. one moment i was fretting about what to eat for dinner and then the very next second, mourning the loss of a friend. in the blink of an eye, she was gone. just like that.
"he has made everything appropriate in its time. he has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." eccl. 3:11
he has set eternity in their hearts.
thats something i don't understand. and it's something that i don't think i ever will. honestly, it scares me, so i don't think about it. i like control. i think to know what is coming next and, if possible, to make sure that i am prepared for it. but the life that comes after this is something that is not in my control and i cannot manipulate it at all.
i was talking to an older lady last week who was commenting on another older friend that had gone in to the hospital for the last time. she said something that has stuck with me ever since then. she said, the veil between here and there is so small, so quick, so little. and it is. we are here this second and gone the next.
it makes me put things in perspective. the things i was worrying about this morning don't even matter right now. nothing really matters to me right now, except for spending time with the people i love and making sure i live a life that is worthy of the calling of my Lord and Saviour.
so tonight we didn't do any wedding plans. we didn't work out. we didn't worry about what apartment we will live in or whether i will drop my middle name (elizabeth) and make it zandstra or just drop the zandstra all together (a point on contention in the last few days). no, tonight we picked up hamburgers and french fries and rented the latest harry potter movie, since nathan finally finished the 5th book. we sat on the couch and simply enjoyed just being near each other and drank decaf coffee. tonight, we simply loved the life that Christ has given us.
so please, love this life, because today, tomorrow and yesterday were a gift. and i sure don't want to get to the end of this life and look back over a series of appointments and meetings. i want to have laughed long and hard and made sure that God knew that he gave this precious gift of life to someone who appreciated it and lived it to the fullest extent possible.
"he has made everything appropriate in its time. he has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." eccl. 3:11
he has set eternity in their hearts.
thats something i don't understand. and it's something that i don't think i ever will. honestly, it scares me, so i don't think about it. i like control. i think to know what is coming next and, if possible, to make sure that i am prepared for it. but the life that comes after this is something that is not in my control and i cannot manipulate it at all.
i was talking to an older lady last week who was commenting on another older friend that had gone in to the hospital for the last time. she said something that has stuck with me ever since then. she said, the veil between here and there is so small, so quick, so little. and it is. we are here this second and gone the next.
it makes me put things in perspective. the things i was worrying about this morning don't even matter right now. nothing really matters to me right now, except for spending time with the people i love and making sure i live a life that is worthy of the calling of my Lord and Saviour.
so tonight we didn't do any wedding plans. we didn't work out. we didn't worry about what apartment we will live in or whether i will drop my middle name (elizabeth) and make it zandstra or just drop the zandstra all together (a point on contention in the last few days). no, tonight we picked up hamburgers and french fries and rented the latest harry potter movie, since nathan finally finished the 5th book. we sat on the couch and simply enjoyed just being near each other and drank decaf coffee. tonight, we simply loved the life that Christ has given us.
so please, love this life, because today, tomorrow and yesterday were a gift. and i sure don't want to get to the end of this life and look back over a series of appointments and meetings. i want to have laughed long and hard and made sure that God knew that he gave this precious gift of life to someone who appreciated it and lived it to the fullest extent possible.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
the little things
so there is a plant sitting on the table next to the chair i sit in every morning, when i watch the news and drink my coffee, the chair i sit in every night when i watch the nightly news and check my email and the chair i sit in any time i am talking on the phone. yet tonight, for the first time, i noticed this plant. it might be that my "nurturing" moment occurred, when i actually decided to straighten up my apartment and learn to have a cleaner living space since i am getting married in 3 months. or maybe it's because i was leaning over to smell the daisies that nathan bought me. regardless, i noticed this plant for the first time in 2 months just a few moments ago.....and it is almost completely dead. like, wilting over, yellow and crispy. oops. in the midst of all the life that is going on around me, i missed the one little thing in my apartment that needed daily attention and devotion, which would really amount to about 25 seconds a day of making sure i watered it. yet in the busyness of life, i was completely ignorant of its existence.
i am on a bebo norman kick right now, which i know is totally 5 years old. but he has this great song called "time takes it toll." the first verse goes like this:
so i will do the only thing that i know to make sense right now, i will lift my eyes to my Maker. i will look to the Creator of all things. i will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains i can't climb. i will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild. i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside. (bebo norman) it's the only thing that makes sense and at the end of the day, i know its the only thing to do that will fill ultimately fill and satisfy me.
and yes, i think i will go water this plant now, and tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that, etc. it's the little things that count in life, and it's those things that i want to remember and be remembered for at the end of the day. who cares if the ivory labels on the wedding invitation don't exactly match the ecru envelopes? does it really matter if the alter boys light the candles 5 or 10 minutes before the wedding? and you know what, who cares if everything i eat in the day is healthy? i think there is a box of girl scout thin mints calling to me from the freezer right now. so if you need me, i will be curled up in bed reading a book thats not about stocks, finances, hedge funds or wedding planning and will instead be reading a book for complete fun and eating girl scout cookies.
i am on a bebo norman kick right now, which i know is totally 5 years old. but he has this great song called "time takes it toll." the first verse goes like this:
Have I become a soul so numb
All too familiar
Words of gold have all grown cold
Over and over
I need to see you in the sunrise
Time takes its toll on us, and it tries its best just to steal our love
so i will do the only thing that i know to make sense right now, i will lift my eyes to my Maker. i will look to the Creator of all things. i will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains i can't climb. i will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild. i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside. (bebo norman) it's the only thing that makes sense and at the end of the day, i know its the only thing to do that will fill ultimately fill and satisfy me.
and yes, i think i will go water this plant now, and tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that, etc. it's the little things that count in life, and it's those things that i want to remember and be remembered for at the end of the day. who cares if the ivory labels on the wedding invitation don't exactly match the ecru envelopes? does it really matter if the alter boys light the candles 5 or 10 minutes before the wedding? and you know what, who cares if everything i eat in the day is healthy? i think there is a box of girl scout thin mints calling to me from the freezer right now. so if you need me, i will be curled up in bed reading a book thats not about stocks, finances, hedge funds or wedding planning and will instead be reading a book for complete fun and eating girl scout cookies.
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