Communication is a key part of marriage, everyone knows that. There have only been a few times in the last year that we have had a total communication breakdown. Tonight was one of those nights. It was such a fantastic breakdown that I just had to share.
Let me set the scene.
We are driving down 75 heading back to our apartment after a long day of moving and we are totally exhausted.
Laura: Huh, that person [in the car next to us] has dreads. Sigh.
Nathan: Really? You could tell?
Laura: Well, yeah.
Nathan: How?
Laura: I just looked and saw.
Nathan: Was she cursing at herself or yelling?
Laura: Uh, no. Why? Do people with dreads do that? Man, I need dreds; I totally fit that profile.
Nathan: Wait, did you say dreads or tourette's?
Laura: DREADS!
Anyways, hope you enjoy our little communication breakdown. Marriage is totally worth it, even in the non communicating moments.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The War on Terror
We have been safe these last few years since September 11 BECAUSE of the laws and decisions that were made on behalf of the Bush Administration. I am not saying that I agree with all the decisions made, but we are safe due to the fact that the Bush administration has been diligent in the War on Terror. Also just a small note, terrorists are not protected under the Geneva Convention. By definition Al Qaeda does not qualify for protection under the Geneva Convention because they are terrorists (see Article 3). And yes, there have been some instances of abuse in the prisoners that the United States has taken and that is completely intolerable. See the article below if you would like more details.
The fact of the matter is, we have not been attacked again on American soil because the U.S. Military, the NSA, the CIA, the FBI and countless others have been aggressive in the eradication and punishment of those who practice terrorism.
This is a new war where we will have to redefine HOW to fight. We are not battling against a country, our enemies are small people groups within countries. This calls for a new strategy. Just like the US had to create a whole new strategy to fight the Cold War (where most of the war was fought by spies and not a "traditional" shot was fired) so we will have to create a new strategy for the War on Terror. Our enemies are not heads of states, they are the people that live within the borders of other countries. We have not found this new strategy yet, but completely wiping away everything that the Bush administration has done for the last 8 years will not get us closer to winning this war.
The enemies that seek to kill us are ruthless. They tell their children that it is good for American's to die, that they should all hope to have the privilege of slitting Americans throats in the streets, or of watching American children die. Our enemies are radicals who have even been shunned by people in the same religion that they claim to follow.
Please see the following from an article in the National Review:
"Democrats are intent on cultivating a mythology of torture to discredit George W. Bush's administration, and the latest epistle of their faith in Sen. Carl Levin's misleading and relentlessly partisan report, 'Inquiry into the Treatment of Detainees in the U.S. Custody.' Contrary to the report, the Bush administration did not 'redefine' detainee-treatment law; it undertook to determines precisely what the law says and who it covers. Neither did the Bush administration negate the Geneva Conventions' Common Article 3, which requires that the prisoners it covers be 'treated humanely.' By definition, al-Qaeda is not qualified for Geneva protections because it is a terrorist organization. Nonetheless, the Bush administration made humane treatment of Qaeda prisoners a matter of policy. Three Qaeda captives have been waterboarded during interrogations, a practice that Congress has declined to criminalize. The abuse of prisoners is not to be tolerated - and under the Bush administration it has not been: dozens of U.S. military personnel have been disciplined and a number tried in courts-martial. There is a world of difference between freelance wrongdoing at the hands of a minuscule proportion of soldiers at Abu Ghraib and a government policy of torture. The Democrats' attempt to conflate the two is a shameful elevation of politics over the sometimes unpleasant necessities of national defense."
The fact of the matter is, we have not been attacked again on American soil because the U.S. Military, the NSA, the CIA, the FBI and countless others have been aggressive in the eradication and punishment of those who practice terrorism.
This is a new war where we will have to redefine HOW to fight. We are not battling against a country, our enemies are small people groups within countries. This calls for a new strategy. Just like the US had to create a whole new strategy to fight the Cold War (where most of the war was fought by spies and not a "traditional" shot was fired) so we will have to create a new strategy for the War on Terror. Our enemies are not heads of states, they are the people that live within the borders of other countries. We have not found this new strategy yet, but completely wiping away everything that the Bush administration has done for the last 8 years will not get us closer to winning this war.
The enemies that seek to kill us are ruthless. They tell their children that it is good for American's to die, that they should all hope to have the privilege of slitting Americans throats in the streets, or of watching American children die. Our enemies are radicals who have even been shunned by people in the same religion that they claim to follow.
Please see the following from an article in the National Review:
"Democrats are intent on cultivating a mythology of torture to discredit George W. Bush's administration, and the latest epistle of their faith in Sen. Carl Levin's misleading and relentlessly partisan report, 'Inquiry into the Treatment of Detainees in the U.S. Custody.' Contrary to the report, the Bush administration did not 'redefine' detainee-treatment law; it undertook to determines precisely what the law says and who it covers. Neither did the Bush administration negate the Geneva Conventions' Common Article 3, which requires that the prisoners it covers be 'treated humanely.' By definition, al-Qaeda is not qualified for Geneva protections because it is a terrorist organization. Nonetheless, the Bush administration made humane treatment of Qaeda prisoners a matter of policy. Three Qaeda captives have been waterboarded during interrogations, a practice that Congress has declined to criminalize. The abuse of prisoners is not to be tolerated - and under the Bush administration it has not been: dozens of U.S. military personnel have been disciplined and a number tried in courts-martial. There is a world of difference between freelance wrongdoing at the hands of a minuscule proportion of soldiers at Abu Ghraib and a government policy of torture. The Democrats' attempt to conflate the two is a shameful elevation of politics over the sometimes unpleasant necessities of national defense."
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Merry Christmas to All
Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. Seriously, I start getting giddy early November. I start plotting Christmas gifts for family and friends months in advance so that I can give them the perfect gift. I love driving around and looking at Christmas lights while sipping on a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. I love going to the mall and looking at all the new decorations. I love the Salvation Army bell ringers at the entrance to ever store. I love decorating our apartment for Christmas.
But in all this, it's not the commercialism of Christmas that gets me excited. I know in this secular world it's all about waking up on Christmas morning to the loads of presents under the tree. That's not what I am celebrating.
I am celebrating the anticipation of the Christmas season. It seems as if the Christmas season is tingling with the anticipation that something big is about to be revealed. Even for those who celebrate only the gifts of Christmas, they are anticipating the morning where all will be revealed.
Something big is about to happen.
Something big did happen that has left the world in anticipation for thousands of years. A Savior was born in a lowly manger. A King was born to a virgin mother and a poor father.
And that King was born to die.
Christmas happened so that we could have Easter. As my father so aptly put it, "The wood of the manger rubs up against the wood of the cross."
I celebrate Christmas for so many more reasons than the presents. I celebrate Christmas because it means that a Savior was born.
That is something worth anticipating. And that is something worth celebrating.
Merry Christmas, my friends.
But in all this, it's not the commercialism of Christmas that gets me excited. I know in this secular world it's all about waking up on Christmas morning to the loads of presents under the tree. That's not what I am celebrating.
I am celebrating the anticipation of the Christmas season. It seems as if the Christmas season is tingling with the anticipation that something big is about to be revealed. Even for those who celebrate only the gifts of Christmas, they are anticipating the morning where all will be revealed.
Something big is about to happen.
Something big did happen that has left the world in anticipation for thousands of years. A Savior was born in a lowly manger. A King was born to a virgin mother and a poor father.
And that King was born to die.
Christmas happened so that we could have Easter. As my father so aptly put it, "The wood of the manger rubs up against the wood of the cross."
I celebrate Christmas for so many more reasons than the presents. I celebrate Christmas because it means that a Savior was born.
That is something worth anticipating. And that is something worth celebrating.
Merry Christmas, my friends.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
On Being Laid Off
As you can likely tell from the preceeding title, I have had an eventful few weeks. Almost four weeks ago to the day, I joined the slowly growing group of people who have been laid off. My emotions have ranged from sheer excitement of getting to grocery shop during the daylight hours to an almost unbearable sinking feeling of puposelessness. Granted, I was not in my dream job. I really was not even working in an industry I enjoyed. But I was working, and that is key. Regardless of whether or not I liked my previous job, I was finding my validation in the "real world" by spouting off my fancy title at a fancy firm. By all the worlds standards, I was climbing the ladder of success and following the path that all young professionals have taken. But all that changed in a span of 20 minutes. One minute I was sorting mail outs and I kid you not, 30 minutes later I was standing at an elevator with all my personal belongings from my desk. I cannot tell you what it feels like to wake up every day at 7:00 a.m., cook breakfast, pack Nathan's lunch and get him out the door, have a quiet time, work out, shower, clean the apartment and run some errands....and be completely done with everything on my to do list by 11:00 a.m. I cannot express to you the feelings of worthlessness, the lack of purpose and the sheer boredom I have felt in the last month.
But there is one thing I can tell you. God is good. There is simply no other truth that I have clung to these past few weeks. I can rest in the fact that I serve a soveriegn God who holds my life and my breath in His hands. Before the foundations of the earth were laid, He chose me, He called me, and He rescued me.
I caved a few weeks ago and rebought a CD that I lost in the move from College Station to Virginia to Tyler to Dallas. I really only bought it for one song. This song has become the theme of my days over the last few weeks. Every second of every day is a challenge to believe the truths that Christ has proclaimed to me - that I am a called child of His, I am loved, I am cherished, I am redeemed and I am valued. When every other second I want to believe the lies of the world - that I am a failure, that I am worthless and that I bring no value to the world. But the words of this song strike straight to my soul. They bring my to my knees almost every time I hear them. I nearly weep every time I hear these truths.
"Psalm 73" sung by Indelible Grace
Surely God is good
To all the pure in heart
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped
I nearly lost my grip
For I envied, the arrogant
They are free, from my burdens
Surely I, in vain,
Have kept my, my heart pure
And surely they are strong and free from trials
While I am so confused
Then I entered Your holy place
Then I saw their destiny
Surely, they’re cast down
As those on slippery ground
As dreams fade when we wake, so they become
Completely swept away
In my heart I was arrogant
Like a beast before You
Yet always You are near
You guide me by Your Word
And always, my Lord God, You are my strength
My portion You will be
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
I have become arrogant. I began to believe in the allure of power and money. And it was all gone in the 2 seconds it took me to sign some paperwork. And then I became bitter. Bitter at those who got to keep their jobs. Bitter at those who were suceeding in these hard economic times. I had worked hard to get where I was. I spent countless hours working on projects to impress by bosses. I spent hours trying to get their approval and their validation.
And then I entered the holy place of the Lord and I saw that it did not matter. Not then, not now, not ever.
You are my refuge, my sovereign Lord and I will sing of your awesome deeds.
But there is one thing I can tell you. God is good. There is simply no other truth that I have clung to these past few weeks. I can rest in the fact that I serve a soveriegn God who holds my life and my breath in His hands. Before the foundations of the earth were laid, He chose me, He called me, and He rescued me.
I caved a few weeks ago and rebought a CD that I lost in the move from College Station to Virginia to Tyler to Dallas. I really only bought it for one song. This song has become the theme of my days over the last few weeks. Every second of every day is a challenge to believe the truths that Christ has proclaimed to me - that I am a called child of His, I am loved, I am cherished, I am redeemed and I am valued. When every other second I want to believe the lies of the world - that I am a failure, that I am worthless and that I bring no value to the world. But the words of this song strike straight to my soul. They bring my to my knees almost every time I hear them. I nearly weep every time I hear these truths.
"Psalm 73" sung by Indelible Grace
Surely God is good
To all the pure in heart
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped
I nearly lost my grip
For I envied, the arrogant
They are free, from my burdens
Surely I, in vain,
Have kept my, my heart pure
And surely they are strong and free from trials
While I am so confused
Then I entered Your holy place
Then I saw their destiny
Surely, they’re cast down
As those on slippery ground
As dreams fade when we wake, so they become
Completely swept away
In my heart I was arrogant
Like a beast before You
Yet always You are near
You guide me by Your Word
And always, my Lord God, You are my strength
My portion You will be
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
You’re my refuge, my Sovereign Lord
I will sing of Your awesome deeds
I have become arrogant. I began to believe in the allure of power and money. And it was all gone in the 2 seconds it took me to sign some paperwork. And then I became bitter. Bitter at those who got to keep their jobs. Bitter at those who were suceeding in these hard economic times. I had worked hard to get where I was. I spent countless hours working on projects to impress by bosses. I spent hours trying to get their approval and their validation.
And then I entered the holy place of the Lord and I saw that it did not matter. Not then, not now, not ever.
You are my refuge, my sovereign Lord and I will sing of your awesome deeds.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Choose Now
"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." Psalm 52:8
As I sit at my desk at work, our world is facing so many unknowns. The economy and the stock market are daily fluctuating and no one knows definitively when (or if) it will ever recover. The credit market is nearly frozen. Our country is on the verge of a pivotal presidential election that will define the next four to eight years of our nation. Our armed forces are in the middle of their 5th straight year of war in Iraq and Afghanistan, thanklessly protecting the freedom we enjoy every day. The church in America is seemingly endlessly arguing about doctrine, congregational beliefs and differences, homosexuals serving in leadership positions in the church, the role of the church in individuals lives and so much more. The job market seems to be shrinking on a daily basis, which worries me for the next wave of college graduates. Radical Islamic fascism is continuing to spread across sections of the Middle East and even, yes, in America. These individuals are fixated on destroying our way of life by whatever means necessary. Russia is again rearing it's angry head and continuing a downward spiral back to the former ways of the U.S.S.R. Teenagers are talking about and watching things that would have made our parents blush just twenty years today. Parent's busy work, social and volunteer schedules are cutting into their precious few years when their children are home and willing to learn from and listen to them. Children's disrespect for their parents in public and private is diminishing and devaluing the role of a parent's life in their child.
Some nights I lay in bed and worry about where our world is heading. I wonder if it's responsible to go for my dream job, when I have a good paying job right now. I wonder what my role in this ever changing world will actually be. I wonder about the safety of future generations. I wonder if I will ever get to backpack across Europe (fickle worry, I know, but still). I wonder if I will get to return to D.C. to work and live.
And yet in the midst of this, I hear a small voice whispering, "Look to Me. Seek Me. Trust Me. Follow Me." But that's crazy, right? To give up the worrying, the wondering, the sleepless nights, the endless plans and schemes to get what I want in life?
Yet again I hear the same voice whispering - okay fine, yelling - to me, "Who are you to question Me! Me! I am the God who brought your forefathers out of the desert and into the promised land. I am the God who has shepherded His people for generations. I am the God who sent you a Savior, my son, in physical form so that you could inherit eternal life. I am the God who laid the foundations of the earth before you were born. I am the God who saved Noah from a devastating flood so that mankind could continue through his line. I am the God who called you out of darkness and into light. I am your God and I will never leave you or forsake you."
And when I finally listen to this gentle voice, I have no choice but to, "Trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever." And tomorrow I am going to have to get up and choose the same thing. And the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.
In the words of my dear friend Anthony:
"I choose now
To be humbled in Your presence
I choose now
To fall on my face
Cause one day
Every knee will bow but Jesus
I choose now."
So I choose now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not when the stock market rises again or my candidate wins the White House. Not when I get my dream job. Not when I get a pay raise to make life more convenient.
No. I choose now.
As I sit at my desk at work, our world is facing so many unknowns. The economy and the stock market are daily fluctuating and no one knows definitively when (or if) it will ever recover. The credit market is nearly frozen. Our country is on the verge of a pivotal presidential election that will define the next four to eight years of our nation. Our armed forces are in the middle of their 5th straight year of war in Iraq and Afghanistan, thanklessly protecting the freedom we enjoy every day. The church in America is seemingly endlessly arguing about doctrine, congregational beliefs and differences, homosexuals serving in leadership positions in the church, the role of the church in individuals lives and so much more. The job market seems to be shrinking on a daily basis, which worries me for the next wave of college graduates. Radical Islamic fascism is continuing to spread across sections of the Middle East and even, yes, in America. These individuals are fixated on destroying our way of life by whatever means necessary. Russia is again rearing it's angry head and continuing a downward spiral back to the former ways of the U.S.S.R. Teenagers are talking about and watching things that would have made our parents blush just twenty years today. Parent's busy work, social and volunteer schedules are cutting into their precious few years when their children are home and willing to learn from and listen to them. Children's disrespect for their parents in public and private is diminishing and devaluing the role of a parent's life in their child.
Some nights I lay in bed and worry about where our world is heading. I wonder if it's responsible to go for my dream job, when I have a good paying job right now. I wonder what my role in this ever changing world will actually be. I wonder about the safety of future generations. I wonder if I will ever get to backpack across Europe (fickle worry, I know, but still). I wonder if I will get to return to D.C. to work and live.
And yet in the midst of this, I hear a small voice whispering, "Look to Me. Seek Me. Trust Me. Follow Me." But that's crazy, right? To give up the worrying, the wondering, the sleepless nights, the endless plans and schemes to get what I want in life?
Yet again I hear the same voice whispering - okay fine, yelling - to me, "Who are you to question Me! Me! I am the God who brought your forefathers out of the desert and into the promised land. I am the God who has shepherded His people for generations. I am the God who sent you a Savior, my son, in physical form so that you could inherit eternal life. I am the God who laid the foundations of the earth before you were born. I am the God who saved Noah from a devastating flood so that mankind could continue through his line. I am the God who called you out of darkness and into light. I am your God and I will never leave you or forsake you."
And when I finally listen to this gentle voice, I have no choice but to, "Trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever." And tomorrow I am going to have to get up and choose the same thing. And the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.
In the words of my dear friend Anthony:
"I choose now
To be humbled in Your presence
I choose now
To fall on my face
Cause one day
Every knee will bow but Jesus
I choose now."
So I choose now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Not when the stock market rises again or my candidate wins the White House. Not when I get my dream job. Not when I get a pay raise to make life more convenient.
No. I choose now.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Simply Blessed
As I sit here on the couch, my heart is overflowing with the realization of how blessed I am. I am first and foremost blessed to be called a child of God - to know that I was called out and claimed before the foundations of the earth were laid is more than I can comprehend. I am ridiculously blessed to call Nathan my husband. I am sitting here watching him play the guitar and I cannot imagine a better way to spend a Sunday night. I am blessed to have an hour with my mom today to share a cup of coffee in the middle of summer chaos. I am blessed to have a family that loves me regardless of what I do, where I live or how grumpy I am. I have six amazing siblings who have shaped and formed my view of the world for the last 23 years, whether or not they know it. I am blessed to have friends who I can be real and honest with - friends who have seen me at my highest and seen me at my lowest and yet still choose to love me. I am blessed to be a part of a church community that even though we have only been going a few weeks they already recognize us and know our names. I am blessed to have a job where I am challenged on a daily basis and where I receive a pay check every two weeks when so many people are struggling to make ends meet right now.
It's good to take a step back and realize the ways that the Lord has blessed each and every one of us. The world is a scary place, especially right now. Sometimes I struggle to find the good in a long work day, I take my eyes off the goal and sulk around in the sludge of life. I read the news and think that nothing good can come of the war in Iraq, the nuclear talks with Iran, and the faltering (if not failing) economy in the United States. I look around me and I see a hurting and dying world that is crying out for more - even if they don't know it. I see young girls crying out for the attention of their fathers only to find blank faces staring at a small Black Berry screen. I see young boys trying to prove their self worth in the world, only to be met with the judgment that they are not good enough til they have made their first million.
I look at all these things and it is so easy to get caught in the muck of it all. So it's good to take a step back and realize the things that I am blessed to partake in, even if I can't see the blessing of it at times.
At the end of the day, I come back to the praise that the psalmist sings to the Lord, "Because Your lovingkindness is BETTER THAN LIFE, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3. Because Your love is better than life. Not because I have a good job, or good friends, or the right clothes, or the right pants size. No, because Your love is better than the last breath I took, because Your love is better than anything I can experience this side of Heaven, my lips will praise You.
Now that is being blessed, my friends.
It's good to take a step back and realize the ways that the Lord has blessed each and every one of us. The world is a scary place, especially right now. Sometimes I struggle to find the good in a long work day, I take my eyes off the goal and sulk around in the sludge of life. I read the news and think that nothing good can come of the war in Iraq, the nuclear talks with Iran, and the faltering (if not failing) economy in the United States. I look around me and I see a hurting and dying world that is crying out for more - even if they don't know it. I see young girls crying out for the attention of their fathers only to find blank faces staring at a small Black Berry screen. I see young boys trying to prove their self worth in the world, only to be met with the judgment that they are not good enough til they have made their first million.
I look at all these things and it is so easy to get caught in the muck of it all. So it's good to take a step back and realize the things that I am blessed to partake in, even if I can't see the blessing of it at times.
At the end of the day, I come back to the praise that the psalmist sings to the Lord, "Because Your lovingkindness is BETTER THAN LIFE, my lips will praise You." Psalm 63:3. Because Your love is better than life. Not because I have a good job, or good friends, or the right clothes, or the right pants size. No, because Your love is better than the last breath I took, because Your love is better than anything I can experience this side of Heaven, my lips will praise You.
Now that is being blessed, my friends.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Learning to Live
So it's been a while. There's been so much going on in my head that my verbal processing has been slower than normal. Anyways, on we go. (1) Married life is fantastic! We highly recommend it to all our friends. :) (2) We are now officially house sitting for the next 5 weeks. If you are in Dallas and want to play Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Wii, grill out on an awesome patio or swing around in a library on a ladder, then come our way! (3) Nathan is still loving his job. I, on the other hand, had a small change in my job description and am learning to cope with new responsibilities and expectations. More on that to come.
On to bigger and better things. These last 7 weeks of being married has taught me loads of things about my life. Getting married tends to teach you things you didn't know about yourself. Anyways, as Nathan and I have spent the last 7 weeks together learning to live life together, love each other and just learn to live with another person, I wanted to stop and soak up every minute of it so that I could fully live life. That's when the problems started. I started to realize that I didn't know how to fully live my life anymore. I began to realize that over the last 2 years I have tended to check out when things get tough and shut down instead of dealing with problems. I thought this was my way of solving my problems.
Some of you may remember that my senior year of college was a giant learning year for me. I was deeply hurt by some friends and it felt like my life was crashing down around me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Which I did on numerous occasions. But I never healed. I never got better. Instead I checked into survival mode. I had classes to pass, rent to pay and career decisions to make. So I just kept on going at life. I finished up in May at A&M and moved directly to Washington DC to work for Senator John Cornyn. It was the job catch of a lifetime and I threw myself into my work. But it was hard. I had no friends in DC, my job was boring at times and I desperately missed my family, friends and Nathan. So my survival mode of life continued. I moved back to Texas in November and got engaged in December, so my life was absolutely insane. As I planned a wedding and started a new job, the survival mode continued. Then we got married and I finally had a chance to stop. For the first time in over a year, I have gotten to just stop. There is nothing looming on the horizon, no big decisions to make. And that's when it clicked. It was when I tried to start living and enjoying life to the fullest and I realized I had been in survival mode for so long that I didn't know how to live life like that. It was a long tearful conversation with Nathan as we were driving home that lead me/us to that conclusion.
So that is what I am working on right now - living life to the fullest. At the end of the day, I want to know that I have played my hardest, worked my hardest, talked my hardest, loved my hardest and lived my hardest. I want to know that I have done everything possible to love the people and situations that have crossed my path during the day. I want to collapse into bed at night absolutely certain that I took advantage of everything in the day. I tell you, it's a journey. It hasn't been easy and it won't start getting easier for a while. I am having to take a good hard look in the mirror at the person I was two years ago. I am having to face some lies that were told to me that hurt me to my core. I am having to squarely look at what Christ has said I am, not what the world has said I am. It's going to be a long journey my friends, but I am so excited about what the end results will bring!
On to bigger and better things. These last 7 weeks of being married has taught me loads of things about my life. Getting married tends to teach you things you didn't know about yourself. Anyways, as Nathan and I have spent the last 7 weeks together learning to live life together, love each other and just learn to live with another person, I wanted to stop and soak up every minute of it so that I could fully live life. That's when the problems started. I started to realize that I didn't know how to fully live my life anymore. I began to realize that over the last 2 years I have tended to check out when things get tough and shut down instead of dealing with problems. I thought this was my way of solving my problems.
Some of you may remember that my senior year of college was a giant learning year for me. I was deeply hurt by some friends and it felt like my life was crashing down around me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Which I did on numerous occasions. But I never healed. I never got better. Instead I checked into survival mode. I had classes to pass, rent to pay and career decisions to make. So I just kept on going at life. I finished up in May at A&M and moved directly to Washington DC to work for Senator John Cornyn. It was the job catch of a lifetime and I threw myself into my work. But it was hard. I had no friends in DC, my job was boring at times and I desperately missed my family, friends and Nathan. So my survival mode of life continued. I moved back to Texas in November and got engaged in December, so my life was absolutely insane. As I planned a wedding and started a new job, the survival mode continued. Then we got married and I finally had a chance to stop. For the first time in over a year, I have gotten to just stop. There is nothing looming on the horizon, no big decisions to make. And that's when it clicked. It was when I tried to start living and enjoying life to the fullest and I realized I had been in survival mode for so long that I didn't know how to live life like that. It was a long tearful conversation with Nathan as we were driving home that lead me/us to that conclusion.
So that is what I am working on right now - living life to the fullest. At the end of the day, I want to know that I have played my hardest, worked my hardest, talked my hardest, loved my hardest and lived my hardest. I want to know that I have done everything possible to love the people and situations that have crossed my path during the day. I want to collapse into bed at night absolutely certain that I took advantage of everything in the day. I tell you, it's a journey. It hasn't been easy and it won't start getting easier for a while. I am having to take a good hard look in the mirror at the person I was two years ago. I am having to face some lies that were told to me that hurt me to my core. I am having to squarely look at what Christ has said I am, not what the world has said I am. It's going to be a long journey my friends, but I am so excited about what the end results will bring!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)